On Desire, Eroticism and Fantasies
By Lily Sahaguian, LCPC
Double D’s.
That’s right. You’re thinking it too – Desire Discrepancy.
Ok but really … What about desire discrepancy? How is it related to eroticism? And how can you cultivate desire, eroticism, and pleasure through the lens of fantasy? Read on for more!
Let’s start with desire discrepancy. Sexual desire problems are often desire discrepancy problems – and it is the most common issue that brings couples and individuals into the sex therapy space. One partner wants to have sex more often than the other. Or, one partner gets labeled as “low desire” and the other gets labeled as “high desire.” It often only takes a therapy session or two until I get asked: “... How do we bring the spark back into our sex life?” or “... How can I fix this low desire problem?”
To normalize a few things: It’s not uncommon to experience difficulty in shifting from your everyday life into a sexual space with your partner – let alone into an erotic one. There is nothing sexy about the mundane rhythm of going to work, caretaking, and managing the upkeep of your home. Our domestic responsibilities are the perfect recipe to erode desire and eroticism. Yes, I am speaking to you “low desire” partner. And there is nothing more frustrating than noticing this mismatch and what it could all mean. Sound familiar “high desire” partner? After all, we are meaning-making creatures and when we label things as high or low, we begin to create shame- and blame-based stories in our heads about who our partner is – or isn’t, – what the relationship means, and where it's going.
Interestingly enough, eroticism is about meaning. It’s an imaginative space – an intricate dance if you will – that animates the act of sex and incorporates emotion, fantasy, and intimacy. Eroticism arouses meaning to why we have sex in the first place. Without it, sex can feel mechanical, pressured, or … just like another thing to check off the to-do list (sound familiar?). When eroticism is interwoven with sex, intimacy becomes an experience rather than a task. In an erotic space, there is play, curiosity, and a tolerance for ambiguity. You move beyond having sex and transcend into experiencing sex!
Eroticism often begins with fantasy. Fantasies don’t have to be explicit or dramatic. They also don’t have to be something you put into effect to “fix” your “low desire problem.” Fantasies are less about content, sexual acts, and solutions and more about feeling (i.e., to feel wanted, powerful, desirable, or free from responsibility). Fantasies are about feeling and curiosity first! And understanding fantasy can reduce shame and expand pleasure!
So, what can you do from here? How can you bring the spark back? Exploring fantasies on your own or choosing to share with your partner together can be erotic in and of itself. Here are some resources and things you can do together to cultivate an erotic space.
Books:
Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life, by Justin J. Lehmiller
Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate Lovemaking Paperback,
by Patricia Love
The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment, by Jack Morin
Sexual Fantasy Online Quizzes: