The Key to Feedback is Connection

By Rebecca Patterson, LMFT

I’m the parent of an opinionated 2.5 year old, which means I currently listen to a lot of Dr. Becky. While perhaps overly cheery at times - but I assume one needs to be when they specialize in working with kiddos so I’m not mad at it - Dr. Becky actually has a framework that is rooted in so many key tenants of mental health such as attachment, self awareness, emotional regulation, and positive regard for those we love. 

I recently listened to an episode where she talks about the importance of parents prioritizing connection over just about everything. In the whole scheme of their development, it matters less if our kid eats all their peas tonight at dinner, and matters more that they walk away from time spent with us feeling connected. Connection, she argues, comes from the powerful belief that they know they are good inside because we show them we believe in their good intentions. 

This point on connection made me think about my couples. So often feedback in particular gets lost in the sauce of who’s feeling criticized and who’s feeling rejected under the weight of their partner's defensiveness. Dr Becky gave me some new language for what I’ve often believed, which is couples need to root into a third greater value that is bigger than having your feedback agreed with or finding radical acceptance for all your actions - it’s prioritizing connection. This looks like giving the feedback with positive intention, receiving it as positively intended, and caring less about whether it is implemented and instead prioritizing the connection between you and your partner that comes from collaborating. 

It’s the same as the nature of repair (another fave of the Doctors) repair between a couple rarely comes from the magical occurrence of them suddenly agreeing, it comes from the system deciding it matters more that they heal than they decide on a winner and a loser. Feedback, done with the agenda of prioritizing connection, means believing the feedback is intended to help and trusting that you will remain a team even when the help is declined. And, in those magical moments when your partner gives you the two cents you actually really need, if you’ve built a foundation of connection in the midst of feedback, you both get to enjoy the collaboration without negative assumptions getting in the way of receiving and being received.