You’re Not Supposed To Do Anything But Your Best
By Lily Sahaguian, LCPC
To all of the new parents out there welcoming adorable newborns into the world – you may have noticed that now more than ever, you’re trying to play catch up in what feels like every area of your life. You may have also noticed that self-pleasure, partner connection, and eroticism have quietly slipped lower on your list of priorities. If this is true for you, read on!
I know what one of you (or maybe just you – if you’re single parenting) may be thinking: “ … How on earth am I and/or are we supposed to experience erotic connection now?” The answer is – as Emily Nagoski discusses in her book Come Together: The Art and Science of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections – You are not. You are not supposed to do anything but your best.
Annnnnd exhale!
As a new parent, you are vulnerable. You are vulnerable and susceptible to sliding down the slippery slope of so much doing while constantly meeting other people's needs and expectations (i.e., your child’s needs, expectations at work, needs of the home, figuring out childcare, navigating family dynamics etc.) So when you ask yourself “... How am I supposed to have sex when I don’t feel sexy? How am I supposed to find energy, when I’ve only slept three hours? How am I supposed to feel sexy when my body hasn’t recovered? How am I supposed to …?”
Remember … You are not.
You already know there’s going to be some tips for you at the end of this blog … But first, allow me to offer a gentle reframe:
Reframe: Rather than telling yourself “I should be having sex” or “I should be engaging in self-pleasure” or “I am supposed to schedule a time to connect” … I want to empower you to think of sexual connection as a place you can escape to rather than it being something you should do or are supposed to do. This alone can make accessing pleasure with yourself or your partner easier. With this reframe, you can lean into yourself and your relationship and co-create a space for connection.
Now, for those who are looking for attunement and connection through sexual connection while navigating the role of parenting, Emily Nagoski suggests these activities below:
Schedule a time to connect (Emphasis on connect. It's okay if you don’t end up having sex.)
Center pleasure first (Focus less on desire, arousal, orgasm. Observe sensation instead.)
There are no rules except for consent (Remember that it doesn’t matter what you do so long as it’s pleasurable and consensual!)
Overnights and weekends away (If you can, why not! Give yourself a break space away from the parenting role.)
Go back to the basics (Stay in touch with how your turn ons and turn offs are changing. Ask yourself, What do you want when you want sex?)
For more: Pick up a copy of Emily Nagoski’s book at your local bookstore - Come Together: The Science & Art of Creating Lasting Sexual Connection.