Are Politics Ruining Your Sex Life?
By Amy Moran, LCPC, CST, PMH-C, and Owner of Spark Chicago Therapy
You open Instagram to look at a picture of your friend's dog.
Fourteen minutes later, you've learned about three international conflicts, watched a terrifying clip from Congress, read 600 comments written by people who appear to hate each other, and are now wondering whether you need to move to Canada.
Your partner rolls over and initiates sex.
Hard pass.
If your sex drive has felt a little...missing lately, it may have nothing to do with your attraction to your partner. The political state of the country might actually be playing a role.
Your Nervous System Doesn't Know It's "Just the News"
Political stress is still stress.
When we're constantly consuming information that makes us feel scared, angry, powerless, or uncertain, our nervous systems respond accordingly. And sexual desire doesn't always thrive when your brain believes there are approximately 47 emergencies happening at once.
As a Chicago Sex Therapist, one of the things I often encourage people to consider when desire changes is what else is happening in their lives.
We have a tendency to treat sexual desire like an isolated bodily function: Why don't I want sex? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with us?
But desire is contextual.
If your brain has spent the evening contemplating the future of democracy, reproductive rights, climate change, gun violence, immigration, the economy, or whether the comments section has officially destroyed your faith in humanity, switching directly into erotic mode may be a pretty big ask.
Doomscrolling Is Not Foreplay
Phones have made it possible to carry the entire world's problems into bed with us.
Literally.
If the last thing you do before attempting intimacy is spend 45 minutes consuming upsetting political content, your body hasn't exactly been given a graceful transition into pleasure.
This doesn't mean you need to become uninformed. It may mean paying attention to when and how much political information you're consuming.
Try putting some space between the news and sex. Put your phone down. Watch something stupid. Take a shower. Talk. Flirt. Make out.
Your nervous system may need an offramp.
What If You and Your Partner Disagree Politically?
This gets more complicated.
Political disagreements aren't always disagreements about tax policy anymore. They can represent deeply held values about gender, sexuality, race, bodily autonomy, parenting, safety, and whose experiences matter.
And values affect attraction.
If you're feeling increasingly disconnected from your partner because their political beliefs feel incompatible with your core values, that's worth taking seriously. The question may not simply be, "How do we stop fighting about politics?"
It might be: What does my partner's position mean to me?
Do I feel respected? Do I feel safe? Do I still experience this person as someone who understands the world in a way that feels compatible with mine?
Those are Chicago couples therapy questions just as much as they are political ones.
Anger Can Follow You Into the Bedroom
Maybe you and your partner actually agree politically.
You can still be affected.
Chronic anger, fear, helplessness, and exhaustion don't disappear because you're on the same team.
Sometimes couples spend so much time talking about what's happening in the world that their relationship becomes another place where stress gets processed instead of a place where they experience playfulness, pleasure, curiosity, and connection.
Give yourselves permission to occasionally talk about absolutely nothing important.
Sexuality needs some room to breathe.
Pay Attention Before You Diagnose Your Libido
If you've recently found yourself Googling "low sex drive," "best Chicago sex therapist," or wondering why you suddenly have no interest in sex, zoom out before assuming something is wrong with you.
Ask yourself:
How stressed am I?
How much upsetting information am I consuming?
Am I sleeping?
Am I angry?
Do I feel safe?
Do I feel connected to my partner?
When was the last time I experienced pleasure that had absolutely nothing to do with being productive, informed, responsible, or useful?
Sometimes improving your sex life isn't about trying harder to want sex.
Sometimes it's about giving your brain and body fewer reasons to stay on high alert.
You are allowed to care deeply about what's happening in the world.
You're also allowed to put your phone down, close the news, kiss your partner, and experience something pleasurable while the world remains complicated.