Stop Touching Me So Loudly

By Amy Stewart, LMFT, CST

Sex isn’t just about desire—it’s about sensation. And not everyone’s working with the same sensory dashboard. For some, a soft touch feels electric. For others? A hard pass.

We all process the world through our senses—sight, sound, touch, taste, smell, and some lesser-known ones like proprioception (body awareness), vestibular (balance), and interoception (internal body signals). When those systems are turned up too high or low, it can change how we experience intimacy.

This is especially true for neurodivergent folks—whether you're navigating ADHD, autism, anxiety, trauma, or just your own unique wiring. Intimacy can feel overwhelming or confusing when your body is shouting “too much!” or whispering “...is this anything?”

Let’s talk about how to tune the dials.

First, Find the “Maybe” Space

The nervous system needs to feel safe before it can feel sexy. That means moving out of “fight or flight” mode and into a “rest, digest, and yes, please” state. Communicating likes, dislikes, and comfort levels—with no pressure to perform (hello maybe)—is the first step.

Use gestures (such as taps) or code words (green/yellow/red systems work great) to check in during intimacy. And have conversations outside the bedroom too—context matters.

Now, Adjust the Volume

Some ideas to support your sensory system in the heat of the moment—whether you need to turn it up or down:

Touch:

  • Turn it up: Massage oils and lubricants, textured vibrators, silky sheets, warm blankets

  • Turn it down: Latex gloves, condoms or other barriers or keeping clothing on to reduce skin-to-skin contact.

Sound:

  • Turn it up: Curated playlists, slow jams and audio erotica

  • Turn it down: Noise cancelling headphones, ear plugs, white noise, sound-dampening tools like Tenga eggs for vibrating sex toys, tools for tightening bed frames

Sight:

  • Turn it up: Mirrors, ambient lighting, visual erotica

  • Turn it down: Dim lighting and decluttered spaces. Blindfolds and weighted eye masks (can be grounding, too!)

Taste & Smell:

  • Turn it up: Flavored lubricants, mints, or lightly scented oils

  • Turn it down: Unscented products, shared showers, or barriers like masks that block out smells

Movement & Body Awareness:

  • Turn it up: Thrusting toys, bolsters for stability, weighted items.

  • Turn it down: Hands-free toys, supportive pillows, or wearable vibes

Keep Checking In

A simple “How’s this feeling?” can go a long way. Intimacy isn’t a performance—it’s a conversation, even when no one’s speaking.

Creating an environment that feels curious, safe, and pressure-free helps everyone get closer to where they want to be. Because great sex isn’t about doing it right. It’s about finding what feels right for your body, in every sense of the word.

Amy Freier