Your But Is Bigger Than You Think

By Rachel Zar, LMFT

We have to talk about the word "but." This teeny word packs a LOT of meaning into a sentence, and casually tossing it into responses to those we care about may be causing unnecessary havoc. 

Imagine hearing the following sentences from your partner: 

I love you, but you're driving me crazy.

I hear you, but that makes no sense.

I support you, but I see things differently. 

Which half packs a bigger punch? The segment before the "but" or the one after? There's a saying in the therapy world that may serve you to take to heart: "Everything before 'but' is bullshit."  

If you tell me you love me, and that's immediately followed by a "but," I can't hear the "I love you" at all. It ceases to exist in my mind because what followed wiped it out. 

If you think you may be sticking your “but” where it doesn’t belong, it’s sometimes worth replacing it with "and." It's amazing what shifting from one three-letter word to another can do. Suddenly, you're holding two perspectives simultaneously instead of canceling out your partner's view. "I support you, and I see things differently." 

For added bonus points, try deleting the part that follows the "but" altogether: "I support you." Now you have a completely different statement that’s free of defensiveness and full of, well, actual support! 

Before butting in, ask yourself: “Is my ‘but’ really helping? Or is it just a sneaky little tyrant set out to stir up all my partner's defenses?” But of course, it’s usually the latter.